So basically it's been a while. Okay , pretty long while. Guess right now , the only reason I feel like writing anything down is because I am severely hypoglycaemic with a reason to not keep eating. Lovely isn't it ?
SO why have I turned so masochistic?
The last few months have been eye-openers to say the least. From being broke to heart brooken.
To realize that I love doing the exact opposite of what I am doing etc etc.
And the journey I think has just about begun.
SO anyway the last I wrote was I guess when I was in the throes of heady love. I still am , thankfully with the same person. But the throes of love have moved onto shaky love. lol.wtw that is. Why am I joking about the one thing that is keeping my world in one piece?
I have no idea. But I do have a nagging feeling I will break down. But then I will survive.
As the below literacy level school -goers say : the show must go on , eh?
On another completely different note .I have figured out what I want to do {I think }
Management I belive is where my talents lie.
I think I shall start exploiting them soon. I have to be pretty rich , beautiful and accomplished before I turn 25 .
Ah, I do feel a new wave of depression slowly seeping through.
As always , c'est le vie till tomorrow.[:)]

:)

There are some things in life you cannot fight. Like the times you feel your chest plummeting through your body down to the very ground below and make you feel a hundred times lighter . Or the times you know you shouldn't feel the way you feel but you cannot help it. I am so totally lost and I so love it that I don't know how to put it in words. The fact that I , who was such a completely and utterly sensible person could act with such stupidity still amazes me.

And I understand. I understand now how totally glorious it is to have someone think about you everyday . To be happy for you , to cry with you , to support you even when you are wrong. The most amazing thing i have felt is being complete. I love it. I never knew I felt like a half before I met him. I feel like a wohle now.

I have laughed ,cried, been jealous , possessive, utterly vindictive, felt happy , felt kept , felt loved, felt blessed, so many things I have felt.

And now the best is just yet unfolding.

Bandit Queen.

So a little about my life at this moment. I sort of feel like bandit queen because I feel like I need to be rebellious to make a point.Like if I were all sane and reasoned everything out with patience and taking time, I think I would be wasting Time. I feel like right now, I am explaining every minute of my life to somebody else. Sort of justifying every action.I wonder why. Probably this is why. I go to a college where Taking a deep breah without permission might land you in serious trouble. I still live at home at the age of 21 with my parents so every minute not spend studying is sort of having to be justified. Why am I taking a break? Because I just walked in the sun from College. Well then you should have just stayed in the library till it was evening and then come home.
They are probably right . But I want my life to go my way. Why ?Cause it's my god-damn life!
So anyway the events of the last few weeks have left me un-nerved to say the least. I have sort of plummeted from being slightly having found some order in my life to finding nothing at all.I am questioning everything everyday. Why did I put up with shoddy friendships, shoddy professionalism , shoddy everything for the past so many years. Did I have a choice? I actually did and I didn't do anything about it.
Crap. I was sort of thinking of writing down a post rationally and calmly. Why am I so angry?
I am so angry at myself. SO angry .

Reality Bites.But then , so do I.

So this is going to be a sort of self inspirational post. If it inspires anyone who reads this as well, then I probably do really need to look at an alternative career option of counselling.

I am almost done with college or so I would really love to believe. I started my UG sometime around October 2004 and quite frankly I have learnt a lot more about life than about medicine. It really is without meaning offence to any other profession , the most demanding profession there will ever be. For me I realized about one minute into it that this was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But I wanted to see and experiment and hoped and prayed that I may fall in love with it . Although I have learnt to have an immense amount of respect and admiration for all those who practice medicine , I couldn't for the life of me understand how it was possible to become so detached to this constant suffering one sees every day.
So the first year passed, I crammed like hell the 17 days before my universities and passed. Not with flying colours , but I passed . Of course I was happy , I was ecstatic! Because for the amount of preparation I had put in , i didn't deserve to pass. Second year happened, That was when real life happened.

But somehow , I did much better . So I started thinking , maybe this would work out for me you know, because I was able to perform well without breaking my head over it.

So second year went by.
Third year happened. The beginning of third year I hated and hated. There was nothing much to do and I wasted time. Because I felt like I was in a rut . i think somebody did label the third year of medicine with a syndrome called the third year syndrome. LOL. Because the first and second years are years full of studying, cramming , caffeine binges. Third year is pretty much empty. You just need to study two weeks before the exams.
But anyway I still managed to make the cut.

Fourth and my final year happened.
I really couldn't believe I had actually lived through these years.I thought well, just work really hard and get it over with and then I can do whatever.
The only problem is I have two months left for my exams and the 'working hard' part still hasn't kicked in.

Lol.So then, one day I resigned myself to maybe skipping a paper for the unis.

Until today.

I realized.I owe it to myself. I owe it to the person who tried for four years. I owe it to the person who could be herself again if she finished this. I don't want to ever to tell myself that I didn't try.

happy post.

Ok , this one is going to be a happy post. I am tired of being down and depressed all the time. Although , I realized one thing. The moment I become happy I am so scared. why? because I know it won't last.SO then I can't wait to be down again. I am basically more comfortable when I am a little sad I think. I am a lot sober and reality doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks every other time. So, alright .Think happy.
Ah. yes. happy times.
growing up was just the most uneventful period of my life. It was so normal to the point of being dull.But I loved it then and I would still love to have it all over again. why ? Because there were zero complications.
All I was ever bothered about was pizza, stationery, cleaning my room , watching tv and sleeping in air conditioning. seriously.
haha. And I loved having crushes then. They were so pure. They were so much fun and sweet.
ooh...am going at a tangent here but I am just writing about all the stuff that made me happy back then.
I used to be into the swat kats . remember that cartoon . T - bone and what's-his-name...oh yeah razor.wow I used to so love that show . And of course the wonder years and small wonder and doogie howser. I grew up on them and of course the coffee and snacks along with watching tv. I loved my life then. I got everything I wanted , Probably because my wants weren't that much. There used to be a staionery store near my house and I had to go there everyday just to check out the stationery. It was that simple.
But I think everything started changing drastically by the time I was in the tenth. BY then i was into dido and roswell wishing for a guy like michael from the show and of course into reading big time. And my crushes blossomed into serious heart ache.lol Those were the days. I loved every minute of my love sickeness.I guess that was just me you know. Oh wow . there are so many things about growing up that I cherish. It's so hard to think of me as grown up.

revelations.a tad late?

I have exactly two minutes to write this post. Why oh why didn't I study all through college and now that I am in my final year I actually get the point or the points as the case maybe here.
A. Bloody !@#$$%$ I am intelligent. I believed everyone else and the only person I didn't believe was me.It's complicated for me to explain, but I realized it . I hope it's not too late.
B. There is a huge amount to study and possibly will be there to study for a loooong time after I get my degree.
C. It's not all about the books! Really it isn't. It is about ,first and foremost , listening ( I learnt that listening is in a league of it's own.It makes people feel important and also from recent experiences listening can change lives and if you have been part of something like that , you will know what I mean), then it's about being humble and doing your bit.
D. That I actually have the potential to make a good doctor , no scratch that , a really really good doctor and to change lives on a large scale.

E. and also hah. this one i love ... people will always snigger ..and why is that? either because they don't have the capacity to understand you or because they know heart of hearts they can never match up to you.

capish?

First Sightings.

how the two intertwined?
it's a long story with a twisted mind

2 lost souls on a lonely sea
never they met or see

one fine day a comrade came
bound the two all the same

one and two were all it took
for the writing of a lustful book

and so the story stays
only time will tell the change