LOVE

Hurts......

sanity

i have lost.I don't know where to begin. But I thought this post would be a little bit about the person I was. Before I joined college, I was quite literally the queen of my court. I had an amazing set of close friends, a larger set of friends and big circle of people I just knew and a bigger circle of people who knew me. I was popular. And I was appreciated. I was smart. I knew it and people about me knew it. I was well- mannered . Still am. I had priorities. which hae drastically changed.And I had a lot of love in my life. And lots of laughter. And lots of fun. I mean there were fights, mean ones. But no bitterness. They were fair fights. You would never feel like a loser at the end of the fight , you know. Man things have changed. One thing I have noticed. As you grow older , the need to be recognized increases.And by whatever means, that has to be achieved. I have come across very few people who have actually managed to do that with grace.I think today I was just thinking about how it was like before when it was all about being fair, understanding another's problems and healthy competition. It's a sad world we live in now. There is no competition, it's literally a bloodbath. And I want no part.Damn , I don't think I can finish this post.

Me...ruminating

three and a half years is not a joke.It's enough for a person to grow up in a lot of ways. For friendships to be made and broken , to fall in love and out of it, to learn and unlearn , to have a first of so many things, to decide on life , to decide whom to share the rest of it with , get pregnant , to pass exams and flunk them.so many beautiful, sad , ironic and incredibly amusing things have taken place in my life in the past three and half years. I have just discovered that though i keep cribbing everyday that life just doesn't seem to be taking off , i have really 'lived' it in the truest sense of the word in the past three and a half years. I have quite literally jumped with joy, wept into my pillow night after night, felt the most alone, felt the most wanted , felt pride, envy , amusement .I have never been subjected to more of a rollercoaster ride than the time i have been in college.My final year has finally arrived and it dawns on me that i have not quite gained any knowledge but wisdom.This place makes you grow up .Really fast .It makes you take a look at yourself at your worst and if you are smart helps you correct yourself. I am sad because I have just about started picking out the people I really like and would like to be around and we are leaving .It's too soon.I want time with them .Because god only knows friends come by like a comet that appears only once every 4 centuries.The other thing is , I am shit scared.It's a big bad wolf of a world out there, too many things to look out for. I don't want to become more jaded than I already am.Because then it would be a shame.

Tamal penn

I hardly know if anyone ever reads this blog and I am fairly sure , no scratch that, absolutely sure it doesn't match up to so many amazing pieces of writing out there, but it feels wonderful.It feels wonderful to be able to type out what it is one is thinking right at this instant and post it a second later for all the world to see or not to see in my case.But it doesn't matter.Today I am going to write about the pangs of being Tamal.I don't even know if that is a word, but it sure describes me. Born a tamilian , raised in Kerala and having absolutely no clue of either language or culture beyond the bare minimum.I am sort of state-less, if you will.I have but the utmost pity for myself since I cannot converse and joke around with some amazing people just because I can only grasp and speak the everyday words. HAH. It brings back memories, sad , tragic ones where I am left standing without a clue as to what they are talking about me and what they want me to do. But I still always try and remain a part of the conversation. Smiling is the key to everything . Just a genuine confused smile.They let your faults pass and welcome you into their 'crib'.And also the other advantage is you sort of get treated a little differently, as if you are from the 'upper' class. A very 'foreign' returned native.And obviously , in my case another advantage is that even if I do not know either language completely ,I do know enough to blend in successfully.Hmm... This is boring me. I am boring myself.Till I return with more snippets then.
cheers

AMY WINEHOUSE : AMAZING

Meet you downstairs in the bar and heard
Your rolled up sleeves and your skull t-shirt
You say what did you do with him today?
And sniff me out like I was Tanqueray

Cause you're my fella, my guy
Hand me your stella and fly
By the time I'm out the door
You're tear men down like Roger Moore

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy
He's in the place, but I can't get joy
Thinking on you in the final throes, this is when my buzzer goes

Run out to meet your chips and pitter
You say we married, 'cause you're not bitter
There'll be none of him no more
[You Know I’m No Good lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I cried for you on the kitchen floor

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Sweet reunion, Jamaica and Spain
We're like how we were again
I'm in the tub you on the sink
Lick your lips as I soak my feet

Then you know this little carpet burn
My stomach drop yeah and my guts churn
You shrug and it's the worst
Who truly stuck the knife in first

I cheated myself like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, you know that I'm no good
I cheated myself, like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, you know that I'm no good

Me being pensive...go figure

I have exactly 15 minutes for writing this post , finish an online pictionary game and get back to studying.My universities start on monday and needless to say am more than nervous. The stage for any pre- exam oh - my - god - am - gonna - pee - my - pants tension should have been dead and gone three years ago but for me it still remains .Maybe because my lfe isn't big enough , you know? Like an exam does seem somehow like the end of the world to me.This is the point where I remind myself that this is just a temporary lull and life will pick up in a while. I can't wait really , for life to start happening . It gets me all nervous and makes me get butterflies in my stomach but it's the best feeling .It's dimmed a little since I do know that sometimes change isn't always a good thing . I should know, I have lost and found friends, met some very interesting people , had to grapple with ideas totally new, battle with new beliefs and old.It's been interesting .The pensiveness of this post probably comes from the fact that I flunked. flunked bad.For one of my asubjects in the pre- universities. My classmate did tell me to write a post that day , so i could get my feelings out.LOL.I was happy SOMEBODY was reading my post . But then , that day I was pissed . Pissed with myself , with the world, with the people in it , with the system. with god. But I do know that it isn't all lost .May be it was necessary to get my focus back . Right , Don't know why I am writing this . I just want to keep listening to Amy winehouse sing 'you know I am no good' . Plus coming hols, I may get a tattoo.So yay me.For now, I am going to get back to studying. Come to think of it ..Life is happening . RIGHT NOW. Might as well go live it , right?

I am sick ...Very very sick...

When you are in medical college, falling sick isn't considered a big deal.Which is why sometimes I wish I studied in an arts college.I don't know why I am writing this , but maybe it's cause I feel that maybe it may not be the rarest disease or you may not be in any type of pain , but when you are sick you feel lousy. Really lousy. And sick people love hugs and sympathy.And you know the other thing I have noticed? how you can fake sympathy. It's bloody easy. Just tilt your head sideways ,nod the I- know-I - know - it's - going-to- be - alright nod and smile.And I don't care ,I love sympathy . I AM A NEEDY PERSON![:D]. So anyhoo,I have pharyngitis,I can still talk though [:X]- evil smiley? .And am on novaclox , lyser forte, bifilac, lyser forte and actified. I am sorry I have nothing better to write about, so unless you guys have some suggestions( which I am very open to) I am afraid I will be talking a lot about movies that crashed , my cold, my allergies,free advice on getting a love life and not losing it( do i see some interest?). ooooh i hav one more thing to talk about .. I love taking pictures , they aren't great but the camera on my phone rocks(it's a N73 btw..and those of you who are into phones will know it has a 3.2 megapixel camera).So I will be posting some pics in the coming entries since right now, my comp is acting up probably because every other living entity who has a computer is on at this very Deepavali moment.
kisses