Bandit Queen.

So a little about my life at this moment. I sort of feel like bandit queen because I feel like I need to be rebellious to make a point.Like if I were all sane and reasoned everything out with patience and taking time, I think I would be wasting Time. I feel like right now, I am explaining every minute of my life to somebody else. Sort of justifying every action.I wonder why. Probably this is why. I go to a college where Taking a deep breah without permission might land you in serious trouble. I still live at home at the age of 21 with my parents so every minute not spend studying is sort of having to be justified. Why am I taking a break? Because I just walked in the sun from College. Well then you should have just stayed in the library till it was evening and then come home.
They are probably right . But I want my life to go my way. Why ?Cause it's my god-damn life!
So anyway the events of the last few weeks have left me un-nerved to say the least. I have sort of plummeted from being slightly having found some order in my life to finding nothing at all.I am questioning everything everyday. Why did I put up with shoddy friendships, shoddy professionalism , shoddy everything for the past so many years. Did I have a choice? I actually did and I didn't do anything about it.
Crap. I was sort of thinking of writing down a post rationally and calmly. Why am I so angry?
I am so angry at myself. SO angry .

Reality Bites.But then , so do I.

So this is going to be a sort of self inspirational post. If it inspires anyone who reads this as well, then I probably do really need to look at an alternative career option of counselling.

I am almost done with college or so I would really love to believe. I started my UG sometime around October 2004 and quite frankly I have learnt a lot more about life than about medicine. It really is without meaning offence to any other profession , the most demanding profession there will ever be. For me I realized about one minute into it that this was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But I wanted to see and experiment and hoped and prayed that I may fall in love with it . Although I have learnt to have an immense amount of respect and admiration for all those who practice medicine , I couldn't for the life of me understand how it was possible to become so detached to this constant suffering one sees every day.
So the first year passed, I crammed like hell the 17 days before my universities and passed. Not with flying colours , but I passed . Of course I was happy , I was ecstatic! Because for the amount of preparation I had put in , i didn't deserve to pass. Second year happened, That was when real life happened.

But somehow , I did much better . So I started thinking , maybe this would work out for me you know, because I was able to perform well without breaking my head over it.

So second year went by.
Third year happened. The beginning of third year I hated and hated. There was nothing much to do and I wasted time. Because I felt like I was in a rut . i think somebody did label the third year of medicine with a syndrome called the third year syndrome. LOL. Because the first and second years are years full of studying, cramming , caffeine binges. Third year is pretty much empty. You just need to study two weeks before the exams.
But anyway I still managed to make the cut.

Fourth and my final year happened.
I really couldn't believe I had actually lived through these years.I thought well, just work really hard and get it over with and then I can do whatever.
The only problem is I have two months left for my exams and the 'working hard' part still hasn't kicked in.

Lol.So then, one day I resigned myself to maybe skipping a paper for the unis.

Until today.

I realized.I owe it to myself. I owe it to the person who tried for four years. I owe it to the person who could be herself again if she finished this. I don't want to ever to tell myself that I didn't try.

happy post.

Ok , this one is going to be a happy post. I am tired of being down and depressed all the time. Although , I realized one thing. The moment I become happy I am so scared. why? because I know it won't last.SO then I can't wait to be down again. I am basically more comfortable when I am a little sad I think. I am a lot sober and reality doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks every other time. So, alright .Think happy.
Ah. yes. happy times.
growing up was just the most uneventful period of my life. It was so normal to the point of being dull.But I loved it then and I would still love to have it all over again. why ? Because there were zero complications.
All I was ever bothered about was pizza, stationery, cleaning my room , watching tv and sleeping in air conditioning. seriously.
haha. And I loved having crushes then. They were so pure. They were so much fun and sweet.
ooh...am going at a tangent here but I am just writing about all the stuff that made me happy back then.
I used to be into the swat kats . remember that cartoon . T - bone and what's-his-name...oh yeah razor.wow I used to so love that show . And of course the wonder years and small wonder and doogie howser. I grew up on them and of course the coffee and snacks along with watching tv. I loved my life then. I got everything I wanted , Probably because my wants weren't that much. There used to be a staionery store near my house and I had to go there everyday just to check out the stationery. It was that simple.
But I think everything started changing drastically by the time I was in the tenth. BY then i was into dido and roswell wishing for a guy like michael from the show and of course into reading big time. And my crushes blossomed into serious heart ache.lol Those were the days. I loved every minute of my love sickeness.I guess that was just me you know. Oh wow . there are so many things about growing up that I cherish. It's so hard to think of me as grown up.

revelations.a tad late?

I have exactly two minutes to write this post. Why oh why didn't I study all through college and now that I am in my final year I actually get the point or the points as the case maybe here.
A. Bloody !@#$$%$ I am intelligent. I believed everyone else and the only person I didn't believe was me.It's complicated for me to explain, but I realized it . I hope it's not too late.
B. There is a huge amount to study and possibly will be there to study for a loooong time after I get my degree.
C. It's not all about the books! Really it isn't. It is about ,first and foremost , listening ( I learnt that listening is in a league of it's own.It makes people feel important and also from recent experiences listening can change lives and if you have been part of something like that , you will know what I mean), then it's about being humble and doing your bit.
D. That I actually have the potential to make a good doctor , no scratch that , a really really good doctor and to change lives on a large scale.

E. and also hah. this one i love ... people will always snigger ..and why is that? either because they don't have the capacity to understand you or because they know heart of hearts they can never match up to you.

capish?

First Sightings.

how the two intertwined?
it's a long story with a twisted mind

2 lost souls on a lonely sea
never they met or see

one fine day a comrade came
bound the two all the same

one and two were all it took
for the writing of a lustful book

and so the story stays
only time will tell the change

so back to blogging

so the last post was a very short one.It was just something that I thought conveyed pages. Lol..Anyway onto other things. I have been taking tons of pictures lately and I have fallen in love with my camera and my subjects.There was this one picture that I took of my friend standing by the backwaters and it totally killed me. As in , I thought the picture conveyed so much. One of my favourite pictures to date.It has been a week of events. Lots to taken in , understand and think through, I wasn't the logical person I thought I was. When it comes to certain things that is. Maybe that is a good thing . It 's a good thing to be thinking with one's gut and heart once in a while I suppose.Hmm. I don't seem to be making sense. Anywho. short post .But all i can think of now.
cheers

LOVE

Hurts......

sanity

i have lost.I don't know where to begin. But I thought this post would be a little bit about the person I was. Before I joined college, I was quite literally the queen of my court. I had an amazing set of close friends, a larger set of friends and big circle of people I just knew and a bigger circle of people who knew me. I was popular. And I was appreciated. I was smart. I knew it and people about me knew it. I was well- mannered . Still am. I had priorities. which hae drastically changed.And I had a lot of love in my life. And lots of laughter. And lots of fun. I mean there were fights, mean ones. But no bitterness. They were fair fights. You would never feel like a loser at the end of the fight , you know. Man things have changed. One thing I have noticed. As you grow older , the need to be recognized increases.And by whatever means, that has to be achieved. I have come across very few people who have actually managed to do that with grace.I think today I was just thinking about how it was like before when it was all about being fair, understanding another's problems and healthy competition. It's a sad world we live in now. There is no competition, it's literally a bloodbath. And I want no part.Damn , I don't think I can finish this post.

Me...ruminating

three and a half years is not a joke.It's enough for a person to grow up in a lot of ways. For friendships to be made and broken , to fall in love and out of it, to learn and unlearn , to have a first of so many things, to decide on life , to decide whom to share the rest of it with , get pregnant , to pass exams and flunk them.so many beautiful, sad , ironic and incredibly amusing things have taken place in my life in the past three and half years. I have just discovered that though i keep cribbing everyday that life just doesn't seem to be taking off , i have really 'lived' it in the truest sense of the word in the past three and a half years. I have quite literally jumped with joy, wept into my pillow night after night, felt the most alone, felt the most wanted , felt pride, envy , amusement .I have never been subjected to more of a rollercoaster ride than the time i have been in college.My final year has finally arrived and it dawns on me that i have not quite gained any knowledge but wisdom.This place makes you grow up .Really fast .It makes you take a look at yourself at your worst and if you are smart helps you correct yourself. I am sad because I have just about started picking out the people I really like and would like to be around and we are leaving .It's too soon.I want time with them .Because god only knows friends come by like a comet that appears only once every 4 centuries.The other thing is , I am shit scared.It's a big bad wolf of a world out there, too many things to look out for. I don't want to become more jaded than I already am.Because then it would be a shame.

Tamal penn

I hardly know if anyone ever reads this blog and I am fairly sure , no scratch that, absolutely sure it doesn't match up to so many amazing pieces of writing out there, but it feels wonderful.It feels wonderful to be able to type out what it is one is thinking right at this instant and post it a second later for all the world to see or not to see in my case.But it doesn't matter.Today I am going to write about the pangs of being Tamal.I don't even know if that is a word, but it sure describes me. Born a tamilian , raised in Kerala and having absolutely no clue of either language or culture beyond the bare minimum.I am sort of state-less, if you will.I have but the utmost pity for myself since I cannot converse and joke around with some amazing people just because I can only grasp and speak the everyday words. HAH. It brings back memories, sad , tragic ones where I am left standing without a clue as to what they are talking about me and what they want me to do. But I still always try and remain a part of the conversation. Smiling is the key to everything . Just a genuine confused smile.They let your faults pass and welcome you into their 'crib'.And also the other advantage is you sort of get treated a little differently, as if you are from the 'upper' class. A very 'foreign' returned native.And obviously , in my case another advantage is that even if I do not know either language completely ,I do know enough to blend in successfully.Hmm... This is boring me. I am boring myself.Till I return with more snippets then.
cheers

AMY WINEHOUSE : AMAZING

Meet you downstairs in the bar and heard
Your rolled up sleeves and your skull t-shirt
You say what did you do with him today?
And sniff me out like I was Tanqueray

Cause you're my fella, my guy
Hand me your stella and fly
By the time I'm out the door
You're tear men down like Roger Moore

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy
He's in the place, but I can't get joy
Thinking on you in the final throes, this is when my buzzer goes

Run out to meet your chips and pitter
You say we married, 'cause you're not bitter
There'll be none of him no more
[You Know I’m No Good lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I cried for you on the kitchen floor

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Sweet reunion, Jamaica and Spain
We're like how we were again
I'm in the tub you on the sink
Lick your lips as I soak my feet

Then you know this little carpet burn
My stomach drop yeah and my guts churn
You shrug and it's the worst
Who truly stuck the knife in first

I cheated myself like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, you know that I'm no good
I cheated myself, like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, you know that I'm no good

Me being pensive...go figure

I have exactly 15 minutes for writing this post , finish an online pictionary game and get back to studying.My universities start on monday and needless to say am more than nervous. The stage for any pre- exam oh - my - god - am - gonna - pee - my - pants tension should have been dead and gone three years ago but for me it still remains .Maybe because my lfe isn't big enough , you know? Like an exam does seem somehow like the end of the world to me.This is the point where I remind myself that this is just a temporary lull and life will pick up in a while. I can't wait really , for life to start happening . It gets me all nervous and makes me get butterflies in my stomach but it's the best feeling .It's dimmed a little since I do know that sometimes change isn't always a good thing . I should know, I have lost and found friends, met some very interesting people , had to grapple with ideas totally new, battle with new beliefs and old.It's been interesting .The pensiveness of this post probably comes from the fact that I flunked. flunked bad.For one of my asubjects in the pre- universities. My classmate did tell me to write a post that day , so i could get my feelings out.LOL.I was happy SOMEBODY was reading my post . But then , that day I was pissed . Pissed with myself , with the world, with the people in it , with the system. with god. But I do know that it isn't all lost .May be it was necessary to get my focus back . Right , Don't know why I am writing this . I just want to keep listening to Amy winehouse sing 'you know I am no good' . Plus coming hols, I may get a tattoo.So yay me.For now, I am going to get back to studying. Come to think of it ..Life is happening . RIGHT NOW. Might as well go live it , right?