So basically it's been a while. Okay , pretty long while. Guess right now , the only reason I feel like writing anything down is because I am severely hypoglycaemic with a reason to not keep eating. Lovely isn't it ?
SO why have I turned so masochistic?
The last few months have been eye-openers to say the least. From being broke to heart brooken.
To realize that I love doing the exact opposite of what I am doing etc etc.
And the journey I think has just about begun.
SO anyway the last I wrote was I guess when I was in the throes of heady love. I still am , thankfully with the same person. But the throes of love have moved onto shaky love. lol.wtw that is. Why am I joking about the one thing that is keeping my world in one piece?
I have no idea. But I do have a nagging feeling I will break down. But then I will survive.
As the below literacy level school -goers say : the show must go on , eh?
On another completely different note .I have figured out what I want to do {I think }
Management I belive is where my talents lie.
I think I shall start exploiting them soon. I have to be pretty rich , beautiful and accomplished before I turn 25 .
Ah, I do feel a new wave of depression slowly seeping through.
As always , c'est le vie till tomorrow.[:)]

:)

There are some things in life you cannot fight. Like the times you feel your chest plummeting through your body down to the very ground below and make you feel a hundred times lighter . Or the times you know you shouldn't feel the way you feel but you cannot help it. I am so totally lost and I so love it that I don't know how to put it in words. The fact that I , who was such a completely and utterly sensible person could act with such stupidity still amazes me.

And I understand. I understand now how totally glorious it is to have someone think about you everyday . To be happy for you , to cry with you , to support you even when you are wrong. The most amazing thing i have felt is being complete. I love it. I never knew I felt like a half before I met him. I feel like a wohle now.

I have laughed ,cried, been jealous , possessive, utterly vindictive, felt happy , felt kept , felt loved, felt blessed, so many things I have felt.

And now the best is just yet unfolding.

Bandit Queen.

So a little about my life at this moment. I sort of feel like bandit queen because I feel like I need to be rebellious to make a point.Like if I were all sane and reasoned everything out with patience and taking time, I think I would be wasting Time. I feel like right now, I am explaining every minute of my life to somebody else. Sort of justifying every action.I wonder why. Probably this is why. I go to a college where Taking a deep breah without permission might land you in serious trouble. I still live at home at the age of 21 with my parents so every minute not spend studying is sort of having to be justified. Why am I taking a break? Because I just walked in the sun from College. Well then you should have just stayed in the library till it was evening and then come home.
They are probably right . But I want my life to go my way. Why ?Cause it's my god-damn life!
So anyway the events of the last few weeks have left me un-nerved to say the least. I have sort of plummeted from being slightly having found some order in my life to finding nothing at all.I am questioning everything everyday. Why did I put up with shoddy friendships, shoddy professionalism , shoddy everything for the past so many years. Did I have a choice? I actually did and I didn't do anything about it.
Crap. I was sort of thinking of writing down a post rationally and calmly. Why am I so angry?
I am so angry at myself. SO angry .

Reality Bites.But then , so do I.

So this is going to be a sort of self inspirational post. If it inspires anyone who reads this as well, then I probably do really need to look at an alternative career option of counselling.

I am almost done with college or so I would really love to believe. I started my UG sometime around October 2004 and quite frankly I have learnt a lot more about life than about medicine. It really is without meaning offence to any other profession , the most demanding profession there will ever be. For me I realized about one minute into it that this was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But I wanted to see and experiment and hoped and prayed that I may fall in love with it . Although I have learnt to have an immense amount of respect and admiration for all those who practice medicine , I couldn't for the life of me understand how it was possible to become so detached to this constant suffering one sees every day.
So the first year passed, I crammed like hell the 17 days before my universities and passed. Not with flying colours , but I passed . Of course I was happy , I was ecstatic! Because for the amount of preparation I had put in , i didn't deserve to pass. Second year happened, That was when real life happened.

But somehow , I did much better . So I started thinking , maybe this would work out for me you know, because I was able to perform well without breaking my head over it.

So second year went by.
Third year happened. The beginning of third year I hated and hated. There was nothing much to do and I wasted time. Because I felt like I was in a rut . i think somebody did label the third year of medicine with a syndrome called the third year syndrome. LOL. Because the first and second years are years full of studying, cramming , caffeine binges. Third year is pretty much empty. You just need to study two weeks before the exams.
But anyway I still managed to make the cut.

Fourth and my final year happened.
I really couldn't believe I had actually lived through these years.I thought well, just work really hard and get it over with and then I can do whatever.
The only problem is I have two months left for my exams and the 'working hard' part still hasn't kicked in.

Lol.So then, one day I resigned myself to maybe skipping a paper for the unis.

Until today.

I realized.I owe it to myself. I owe it to the person who tried for four years. I owe it to the person who could be herself again if she finished this. I don't want to ever to tell myself that I didn't try.

happy post.

Ok , this one is going to be a happy post. I am tired of being down and depressed all the time. Although , I realized one thing. The moment I become happy I am so scared. why? because I know it won't last.SO then I can't wait to be down again. I am basically more comfortable when I am a little sad I think. I am a lot sober and reality doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks every other time. So, alright .Think happy.
Ah. yes. happy times.
growing up was just the most uneventful period of my life. It was so normal to the point of being dull.But I loved it then and I would still love to have it all over again. why ? Because there were zero complications.
All I was ever bothered about was pizza, stationery, cleaning my room , watching tv and sleeping in air conditioning. seriously.
haha. And I loved having crushes then. They were so pure. They were so much fun and sweet.
ooh...am going at a tangent here but I am just writing about all the stuff that made me happy back then.
I used to be into the swat kats . remember that cartoon . T - bone and what's-his-name...oh yeah razor.wow I used to so love that show . And of course the wonder years and small wonder and doogie howser. I grew up on them and of course the coffee and snacks along with watching tv. I loved my life then. I got everything I wanted , Probably because my wants weren't that much. There used to be a staionery store near my house and I had to go there everyday just to check out the stationery. It was that simple.
But I think everything started changing drastically by the time I was in the tenth. BY then i was into dido and roswell wishing for a guy like michael from the show and of course into reading big time. And my crushes blossomed into serious heart ache.lol Those were the days. I loved every minute of my love sickeness.I guess that was just me you know. Oh wow . there are so many things about growing up that I cherish. It's so hard to think of me as grown up.

revelations.a tad late?

I have exactly two minutes to write this post. Why oh why didn't I study all through college and now that I am in my final year I actually get the point or the points as the case maybe here.
A. Bloody !@#$$%$ I am intelligent. I believed everyone else and the only person I didn't believe was me.It's complicated for me to explain, but I realized it . I hope it's not too late.
B. There is a huge amount to study and possibly will be there to study for a loooong time after I get my degree.
C. It's not all about the books! Really it isn't. It is about ,first and foremost , listening ( I learnt that listening is in a league of it's own.It makes people feel important and also from recent experiences listening can change lives and if you have been part of something like that , you will know what I mean), then it's about being humble and doing your bit.
D. That I actually have the potential to make a good doctor , no scratch that , a really really good doctor and to change lives on a large scale.

E. and also hah. this one i love ... people will always snigger ..and why is that? either because they don't have the capacity to understand you or because they know heart of hearts they can never match up to you.

capish?

First Sightings.

how the two intertwined?
it's a long story with a twisted mind

2 lost souls on a lonely sea
never they met or see

one fine day a comrade came
bound the two all the same

one and two were all it took
for the writing of a lustful book

and so the story stays
only time will tell the change

so back to blogging

so the last post was a very short one.It was just something that I thought conveyed pages. Lol..Anyway onto other things. I have been taking tons of pictures lately and I have fallen in love with my camera and my subjects.There was this one picture that I took of my friend standing by the backwaters and it totally killed me. As in , I thought the picture conveyed so much. One of my favourite pictures to date.It has been a week of events. Lots to taken in , understand and think through, I wasn't the logical person I thought I was. When it comes to certain things that is. Maybe that is a good thing . It 's a good thing to be thinking with one's gut and heart once in a while I suppose.Hmm. I don't seem to be making sense. Anywho. short post .But all i can think of now.
cheers

LOVE

Hurts......

sanity

i have lost.I don't know where to begin. But I thought this post would be a little bit about the person I was. Before I joined college, I was quite literally the queen of my court. I had an amazing set of close friends, a larger set of friends and big circle of people I just knew and a bigger circle of people who knew me. I was popular. And I was appreciated. I was smart. I knew it and people about me knew it. I was well- mannered . Still am. I had priorities. which hae drastically changed.And I had a lot of love in my life. And lots of laughter. And lots of fun. I mean there were fights, mean ones. But no bitterness. They were fair fights. You would never feel like a loser at the end of the fight , you know. Man things have changed. One thing I have noticed. As you grow older , the need to be recognized increases.And by whatever means, that has to be achieved. I have come across very few people who have actually managed to do that with grace.I think today I was just thinking about how it was like before when it was all about being fair, understanding another's problems and healthy competition. It's a sad world we live in now. There is no competition, it's literally a bloodbath. And I want no part.Damn , I don't think I can finish this post.

Me...ruminating

three and a half years is not a joke.It's enough for a person to grow up in a lot of ways. For friendships to be made and broken , to fall in love and out of it, to learn and unlearn , to have a first of so many things, to decide on life , to decide whom to share the rest of it with , get pregnant , to pass exams and flunk them.so many beautiful, sad , ironic and incredibly amusing things have taken place in my life in the past three and half years. I have just discovered that though i keep cribbing everyday that life just doesn't seem to be taking off , i have really 'lived' it in the truest sense of the word in the past three and a half years. I have quite literally jumped with joy, wept into my pillow night after night, felt the most alone, felt the most wanted , felt pride, envy , amusement .I have never been subjected to more of a rollercoaster ride than the time i have been in college.My final year has finally arrived and it dawns on me that i have not quite gained any knowledge but wisdom.This place makes you grow up .Really fast .It makes you take a look at yourself at your worst and if you are smart helps you correct yourself. I am sad because I have just about started picking out the people I really like and would like to be around and we are leaving .It's too soon.I want time with them .Because god only knows friends come by like a comet that appears only once every 4 centuries.The other thing is , I am shit scared.It's a big bad wolf of a world out there, too many things to look out for. I don't want to become more jaded than I already am.Because then it would be a shame.

Tamal penn

I hardly know if anyone ever reads this blog and I am fairly sure , no scratch that, absolutely sure it doesn't match up to so many amazing pieces of writing out there, but it feels wonderful.It feels wonderful to be able to type out what it is one is thinking right at this instant and post it a second later for all the world to see or not to see in my case.But it doesn't matter.Today I am going to write about the pangs of being Tamal.I don't even know if that is a word, but it sure describes me. Born a tamilian , raised in Kerala and having absolutely no clue of either language or culture beyond the bare minimum.I am sort of state-less, if you will.I have but the utmost pity for myself since I cannot converse and joke around with some amazing people just because I can only grasp and speak the everyday words. HAH. It brings back memories, sad , tragic ones where I am left standing without a clue as to what they are talking about me and what they want me to do. But I still always try and remain a part of the conversation. Smiling is the key to everything . Just a genuine confused smile.They let your faults pass and welcome you into their 'crib'.And also the other advantage is you sort of get treated a little differently, as if you are from the 'upper' class. A very 'foreign' returned native.And obviously , in my case another advantage is that even if I do not know either language completely ,I do know enough to blend in successfully.Hmm... This is boring me. I am boring myself.Till I return with more snippets then.
cheers

AMY WINEHOUSE : AMAZING

Meet you downstairs in the bar and heard
Your rolled up sleeves and your skull t-shirt
You say what did you do with him today?
And sniff me out like I was Tanqueray

Cause you're my fella, my guy
Hand me your stella and fly
By the time I'm out the door
You're tear men down like Roger Moore

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy
He's in the place, but I can't get joy
Thinking on you in the final throes, this is when my buzzer goes

Run out to meet your chips and pitter
You say we married, 'cause you're not bitter
There'll be none of him no more
[You Know I’m No Good lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I cried for you on the kitchen floor

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Sweet reunion, Jamaica and Spain
We're like how we were again
I'm in the tub you on the sink
Lick your lips as I soak my feet

Then you know this little carpet burn
My stomach drop yeah and my guts churn
You shrug and it's the worst
Who truly stuck the knife in first

I cheated myself like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, you know that I'm no good
I cheated myself, like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, you know that I'm no good

Me being pensive...go figure

I have exactly 15 minutes for writing this post , finish an online pictionary game and get back to studying.My universities start on monday and needless to say am more than nervous. The stage for any pre- exam oh - my - god - am - gonna - pee - my - pants tension should have been dead and gone three years ago but for me it still remains .Maybe because my lfe isn't big enough , you know? Like an exam does seem somehow like the end of the world to me.This is the point where I remind myself that this is just a temporary lull and life will pick up in a while. I can't wait really , for life to start happening . It gets me all nervous and makes me get butterflies in my stomach but it's the best feeling .It's dimmed a little since I do know that sometimes change isn't always a good thing . I should know, I have lost and found friends, met some very interesting people , had to grapple with ideas totally new, battle with new beliefs and old.It's been interesting .The pensiveness of this post probably comes from the fact that I flunked. flunked bad.For one of my asubjects in the pre- universities. My classmate did tell me to write a post that day , so i could get my feelings out.LOL.I was happy SOMEBODY was reading my post . But then , that day I was pissed . Pissed with myself , with the world, with the people in it , with the system. with god. But I do know that it isn't all lost .May be it was necessary to get my focus back . Right , Don't know why I am writing this . I just want to keep listening to Amy winehouse sing 'you know I am no good' . Plus coming hols, I may get a tattoo.So yay me.For now, I am going to get back to studying. Come to think of it ..Life is happening . RIGHT NOW. Might as well go live it , right?

I am sick ...Very very sick...

When you are in medical college, falling sick isn't considered a big deal.Which is why sometimes I wish I studied in an arts college.I don't know why I am writing this , but maybe it's cause I feel that maybe it may not be the rarest disease or you may not be in any type of pain , but when you are sick you feel lousy. Really lousy. And sick people love hugs and sympathy.And you know the other thing I have noticed? how you can fake sympathy. It's bloody easy. Just tilt your head sideways ,nod the I- know-I - know - it's - going-to- be - alright nod and smile.And I don't care ,I love sympathy . I AM A NEEDY PERSON![:D]. So anyhoo,I have pharyngitis,I can still talk though [:X]- evil smiley? .And am on novaclox , lyser forte, bifilac, lyser forte and actified. I am sorry I have nothing better to write about, so unless you guys have some suggestions( which I am very open to) I am afraid I will be talking a lot about movies that crashed , my cold, my allergies,free advice on getting a love life and not losing it( do i see some interest?). ooooh i hav one more thing to talk about .. I love taking pictures , they aren't great but the camera on my phone rocks(it's a N73 btw..and those of you who are into phones will know it has a 3.2 megapixel camera).So I will be posting some pics in the coming entries since right now, my comp is acting up probably because every other living entity who has a computer is on at this very Deepavali moment.
kisses

ummm....

Right.So where I left off was many months ago during which I turned 20 ,wrote many exams , on paper and in life( I am new at this senti - dialogue thingie.but working on it), read many books and blogs,bought new clothes , made some new friends , so on and so forth.I got my ears pierced for the second time in the same spot and it's closed again now. Thank god i don't have a keloid, oh and ihave a pierced nose now.Only I look north indian rather than my iyer self. I look pretty.Good.lol.This blog is basically like a very very random diary entry , except that I am sparing the world of some of the details .It's been a while since i have been out of it , i have become bone lazy which many people say is not a good thing.I am just saying well if other people are there who are willing to do work, give them a chance. I really do believe that. Division of labour. And i excel in supervising. From a distance. sitting on a chair. Preferrably a lazy boy. Sipping coffee. oh ! One thing that hasn't changed .My love for coffee. If anything it has become a full fledged affair . Many people have started noticing and have been telling me to cut all ties because they think my liver will give way when i turn 25. It might . lol.But what the hell.so anyway, much as i have tried .....i seem completely unable to gather my thoughts and put them down on paper with much more effect. so am off for a nap and maybe later i'll get in a line or two.with sense in them.

i screamed .....NOT

Today's post is all about the new fearless me...so maybe a lil fearless.I got my ears pierced today! For the second time.Of course the first time is a distant memory.Apparently i was one and a half and quite the brat. My mother pierced one ear and i started crying( read bawling) and ran around the shop with my mother running behind me with the gun( there's a sentence i thought i would never write.lol).Of course , by then the entire shop had pitched into catching me. Once caught , I knew there was no way out .The second ear had to be pierced.If that had not happened , i would not be here today nearly twenty years later with fully pierced ears. Growing up I could have made fun of all the girls who had to wear clip on earrings. But i didn't.

So anyway, i had been thinking of getting a second piercing since the ninth standard. Of course , my mother totally was against the idea and told me how painful it would be and it would get infected and i would get a keloid and yadayada.So i kept putting it off till last week.I gathered whatever little courage(?) i had and decided to get it pierced .Of course, i wanted the gun to be used. the shop didn't have it and the goldsmith who pierces doesn't do it after sunset. I have been meaning to find out why though. Right .. so anyway ..i returned that day thinking i probably would never do it when today i just had to ..lol..It was like one of those things if i didn't do, i would never be happy. I AM WEIRD THAT WAY.lol

So anyway , i reach there.The kind of goldsmith i got to pierce my ears didn't help either.He had the most sarcastic smirk on his face. I guess he thought i would scream.WHICH I DID.lol.Only because i thought it would hurt.When it didn't my scream sort of went from ooooowww.....whoooo.It wasn't so bad and now am thinking of piercing my nose.I do know i have a relatively larger nose than the rest of the country but still tell me what u guys think.Will it look good or will i never find love with that?
[:D]

RANDOM BLOG.......READ!!

have been piling up a lot of drafts and procrastinating about posting here cause a. god made me that way and b. am a little scared actually.My college isn't really a place of um.....let me put it this way ...it's not a place where breathing is not to be done without permission and I keep thinking everyday what if somebody comes across my blog and deduces something from it.Haha...Think nothing of this, Being neurotic keeps me sane.The third reason on why i don't blog often here is well nobody just reads random blogs do they? lol..Right , so am going to skip all that and talk about the saddest movie i have ever ever seen...A CINDERELLA STORY. Maybe i picked the wrong time to see it..The wrong time meaning when u are low on having a love life and sarcasm has taken over seeing a PG 0 love story with the nicest kids without brains on tv gets u a lil antsy.So anyway there i am watching Hillary duff and what's his name( u know the guy in one tree hill) sms away with little hearts and LOUD sighs. Lord they should make better movies.It's cute but maybe if i had picked another day i would have enjoyed it better i think. the other thing which spoiled my day was well i had been wanting to eat some really spicy food and i went to this eatery . Being low on the dough me and my friend chose a fairly priced( read dirt cheap) restaurant and had our fill.Am coming back home and i can feel some shaking and by the time i had reached home it had reached volcanic scales.Now after a lot of TLC , hot water bags and medicine i feel a lot better.But the coffee there hit the spot.I WILL BE GOING THERE AGAIN[:D].I feel like i have achieved something today .Having lived through a calamity of a movie and grievous hurt to my stomach i deserve some rest.

nurse ..scalpel please

College starts on Monday and I am actually looking forward to it.I was thinking and thinking about whether i should write down things about life in a college.A medical college. My Medical College to be precise.At the risk of being found out through this blog i am forging ahead with the many observations i have made in my short but eventful(?) time there.LOL.For one thing I keep praying that i may be left with at least rudimentary social skills.And of course that i do not start putting my tongue out like a dog and howl when seeing members of the opposite sex. My parents would not want me then. On the other hand, It's made me realize the power of education. And especially as doctors what we learn, how much we learn is extremely important.How much we know is put to the test when faced with an emergency. The other thing i learnt ...IT'S NICE TO BE IMPORTANT BUT MORE IMPORTANT TO BE NICE. What makes a better doctor is the one who can make his/her patients feel like the most important person in the room . I hope ,and i say this lightly that one way or the other people in my college realize that. And of course it's all about applied knowledge.Applying it at the right time is the key and not realzing one hour after the baby's come out!LOL..And of course, real medical life is not all like grey's anatomy. Sometimes i think that show makes people lose faith in doctors. What i want people to realize is that in real life not as many people die , people don't get rare diseases like the ones on the show all the time, most of the time it's treatable and u don't get that many good looking doctors or interns in a hospital.This blog shall be continued tom..since the writer needs her sleep.
cheers

Blankness

wow.....am so out of things to write...lol...one thing u'll never hear me say is 'omg ! i have nothing to say!!'.Am officially the chatterbox of my lil town. I did have this drive to write something profound and deep , but the feeling passed when the window took sometime to load up.I am the victim of modern technology and a true daughter of today's times. so when i did want to write something , i couldn't be bothered to look for a pen and paper.My holidays have started in full swing and i seem to be getting restless.I was dreading the concept of having nothing to do and wanted the holidays to get over fast.Am excited though today because i will be getting out of the house and visit a friend at the other end of town.I love getting there by bus....U end up thinking a lot of happy thoughts or u don't think at all which is a plus for me.lol.I am thinking of asking my dad to send me some cds of some good movies.Guru wasn't really great in my opinion , the only thing that made me sit up and take notice was the fact that i saw my uncle in it!! lol.The other thing that wants to make me smile today is the honest to goodness South Indian coffee i had in the morning.I have it everyday but today was special.There was nothing else to do so savouring every sip was a treat for me.Time for me to hit another glass of 'kaapi'.
cheers